Understanding the Subtle Challenges of Birthdays for Autistic People.

Today got me thinking about something, so I thought, why not write a blog post about it? The topic on my mind today is birthdays and the expectations around them.

Now, we all have a birthday, and we all feel differently about them. Some of us count down the days until the big day (yes, even as adults). These people may love that they have a day where the attention is on them, and they get to make most of the decisions, having fond and happy memories of past birthdays. Other people hide away and pretend they aren’t happening or have not-so-fond memories of birthdays past. We know that there are many reasons why people wish to celebrate birthdays the way they do: circumstances, culture, past experiences, etc.

I wanted to share a bit about birthdays and neurodiversity. I am neurodiverse myself, and my birthday is a day that I admit I do struggle to navigate. I often find my birthday is a sad day, not because I am getting older. If I’m honest, I am not 100% certain of the reason. Is it the pressure of the day, society’s expectations of how we’re supposed to feel, celebrate, and react, or is it the attention? Well, it is a mixture of things. Sadly, for me, like many people, it isn’t that straightforward knowing why.

The fact is, a lot of neurodiverse people struggle with birthdays, and it’s often a topic that isn’t spoken about as loudly as some others. That doesn’t mean it isn’t important, but here are some of my thoughts about why birthdays can be tricky for some neurodiverse people to navigate, particularly in the autistic community. I have until now neglected to introduce myself, so if you aren’t already aware, hi, I’m Bethan, and I am an autistic coach and mentor.

So, let’s get back to the subject of birthdays. Let’s break it down, look at the areas people may struggle with, and some tips you might use or want to try out for yourself, your child, or a family member.

Expectations

Society has a lot to answer for in terms of expectations, and birthdays are no exception. The expectation is something along the lines of: you are supposed to look forward to your birthday, want to celebrate with family and friends, wake up and open your presents straight away, have a cake and blow out the candles, love every gift you receive, post celebratory photos on social media, and generally be happy the entire day.

This isn’t the experience for many people, myself included. The day doesn’t feel any different to me; in fact, it often makes me feel sad. It’s just another Wednesday, and like many people, I have to put on this mask because society and family traditions mean that I will be sung “Happy Birthday” to (more often than not out of tune, myself included), open presents that I have no idea what they are, and answer people asking me what I did or am doing for my birthday. There’s an expectation that you have to be doing something exciting, and as I open my presents, meeting these expectations often feels like my voice gets lost in the chaos of the day.

For some people, the expectation and trying to navigate birthdays—how to act, what to do, and what to say—is so exhausting that it doesn’t make birthdays fun. In fact, quite the opposite; it can cause extended high levels of anxiety and exhaustion.

The expectation for someone to have all the attention on them can often fill people with dread and lead them to worry about it for days, maybe even weeks, before their birthdays. People watch, though not intentionally, how they react when opening cards and presents or when people come to see them. If you say that you are happy to spend the day alone or don’t want to celebrate, people may automatically assume that something is wrong and you’re feeling down. However, for some people, an ideal birthday might be spending the day on their own, not acknowledging it’s their birthday, and doing whatever their interests might be.

Tips and Tricks

Reduce those expectations. Talk to family and friends (this often isn’t easy) about what you want to do and stick with that plan. You’re likely to be happier for it. Remember, birthdays are supposed to be individual, so do what you want to do. Also, birthday lists are great. I recommend Amazon lists or just details of where to buy items. This means you know what you’re getting and saves time and stress for the people buying as well. You’re always welcome to say to people, “No gifts.”

If you struggle with buying birthday gifts for someone, maybe struggle with reading people, try just asking what they want. If comfortable, give them a budget that you are willing to spend. If they say they don’t know, then cash or a bank transfer works. That way, they can get what they want when they want. This might not be the thing most people do, but the person receiving the gift gets what they want, and the gift giver knows they are getting something the receiver wants. It’s the right thing; just they buy it, not you. Less confusing and less grey area, as they say.

Sensory

Birthdays are often loud, intense, and overwhelming. Being sung to loudly out of tune, lots of people wanting to talk to you, and the expectation to have a party can often be sensory nightmares with music, people, food, textures, and uncomfortable party clothes. There’s no way of escaping until you experience a meltdown or shutdown, which could take days to fully recover from. Even cards and wrapping paper are often bright and busy.

Remember, some sensory experiences are joyful, while others are unbearable and can even cause pain. It’s important that the sensory environment is suitable and manageable—it is your birthday, after all.

Some people might want to celebrate their birthday at a heavy metal gig because they love to feel the vibrations of the music go through their body and have an intense interest in Metallica. However, they wouldn’t be able to manage a meal of fancy food in a crowded restaurant. Others may want to spend the day alone and visit a cat café because it’s quiet, and they get to enjoy sitting and stroking the cats without having to dress up in spiky clothes in a bright room and interact with lots of people.

Tips and Tricks

If there is something you love to do, then do that, even if it doesn’t feel ‘birthday appropriate.’ Birthdays are about you, so do what you want to do, even if that means being by yourself out in nature or seeing a friend and riding rollercoasters with no mention of birthdays. Or have a great big party that you have planned yourself down to the smallest detail—do you. For younger children, talk to them or give choices related to their interests, things you know they love, so they can decide. But remember, it’s also okay if someone doesn’t want to do anything, as it’s about them, even if it makes you feel slightly odd.

Also, side note: you don’t have to have cake! Though I always recommend eating whatever food you love or may even have a current hyperfixation meal, there’s no need for cake and candles if you don’t want them. Birthdays can still be special without some of the things we associate with making birthdays special. My personal favorite instead of cake is a bag or bar of all my favorite sweets and chocolate.

Overwhelm

If you are planning or want to have a family meal, night out with friends, or a party, then that’s great. These things, even if they are something you want to do, can still be overwhelming. Loud music, people singing, lots of overlapping sounds, and one of your friends not being able to make it because they have the flu.

There are so many surprise aspects to birthdays, from surprise parties to gifts. My advice is to only plan a party, especially a surprise party, for someone you are 100% sure enjoys them. If we think about autism and that many people like routine and clear expectations, a party—and worse, a surprise party—goes against all of that. How do I act? What do I say? Am I making the right facial expressions? Have I said something wrong? Have I upset them? Who are these people? This noise is hurting my brain.

Presents can be so hard for some people—the opening and acting surprised, all eyes focused on them. Also, for some people, they may feel pointless: ‘I buy what I want when I want.’ Again, they are a form of surprise, so it’s how am I supposed to react? It’s unexpected.

Tips and Tricks

Give the person a budget and let them buy their own present or tell you what to buy. Then they know exactly what they are getting and from whom, and when they open them, they are no longer something unexpected. Have a routine for birthdays; though the activity may change with age, if you do presents, open them at the same time each year. If extended family comes around, have a set time and length of time they stay and a list of who’s coming. Prepare and plan in advance to avoid the unexpected. If presents are too much, then don’t do birthday or Christmas presents—just buy the person things they want at other times of the year when they ask. Who says birthday presents have to be on your birthday?

I would, of course, love to hear other ways you have found to manage birthdays Christmas or whatever major other celebrations you celebrate. what is it you do?